Chad's spot for various thoughts, musings, poetry, ideas and whatnot

Friday, May 07, 2004

Holy War...or something just like it

You are probably wondering why it has been so long since I have updated this site. Perhaps, you thought, the author has been up to his elbows in finals, papers and all the other stuff that accompanies the end of the semester and the school year. Maybe, you conjectured, it has to do with a trip to Kansas City by car to see a band all squashed into a somewhat compressed 48 hour time period and the resulting fallout caused by the sleep deprivation incurred during the trip. More likely you thought he was just a slacker.

If you thought any of these fascinatingly logical things you would be, unfortunately, wrong. The reason has to do with the fact that I have, by whatever power has been invested in me (when I got one of my degrees I'm sure they said something about rights, privledges, powers and the like), declared a holy war against the Kudzu in my back yard. Yes, a crusade or jihad if you'd like. A "to the death" assault on the very root of vegative evil.

For those of you who don't live in the south, you may think this a bit extreme (perhaps it is even if you do live in the south but extreme can be interesting) but that is only because you have never experienced the creeping horror that Kudzu is as it slowly attempts to envelop every vertically oriented thing in it's path (yes, that includes buildings; I've seen buildings pulled down and destroyed by Kudzu). Kudzu is the plant analogy to evil. You can destroy its tendrils but cutting it out at the root is so much harder. It entwines around everything so removing it usually involves risking damage to the thing it is coiled around. It spreads insidiously, almost out of sight, until it is ready to spring up into an unsuspecting bush, tree or fence. Part of my yard look like a scene out of the machine city in the Matrix with cords and cables running a hundred different directions.

Thus, I must attack it with the ferocity only achievable when one believes one is defending the absolute truth. I will be resolute and unflinching in my battle. Each day I will engage my foe and I will, each day, drive it a little further back. I will spare it no mercy and I will sacrifice what it takes to achieve my goals. I will recruit others in my campaign, even those who are somewhat hesistant for they do not see the evil that lurks in this scourge.

Death to the infidel of the plant kingdom...Kudzu.

And no, it's not just misunderstood; it's bad...really, really bad.

And don't tell me about it's pretty pale purple flowers. It only shows them while choaking the life out of some innocent tree or bush planted to make my yard look attractive and appealing.

And yes, I know that the Georgia Department of Transportation is responsible for introducing this evil into my life but it is evil none-the-less and I will fight it. I may not win this war but I will not let my yard succumb, even if we end up an island surrounded by a sea of hanging vines waiting to engulf us. I will remain a beacon to those who believe as I do that Kudzu must be destroyed. Join me in my fight. I ask only a little of your time, 15 minutes, and with enough of us, victory will be assured and we will enjoy the paradise that my backyard can and will become (you have to supply your own harp-wielding angels, streets of gold, virgins, 90 schilling ale or whatever makes paradise, well, paradise for you).

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