Chad's spot for various thoughts, musings, poetry, ideas and whatnot

Thursday, November 08, 2007

From: NFL Coaches Association

To: Don Shula and Loudmouth Sports Media Pundits

Re: SHUT UP!!!

Dear Sirs, Madams and Scuzzy, Whiskey-Soaked Media Hacks,

While we, the collected head football coaches of the teams of the No Fun League (otherwise known as the National Football League), understand your desire to express yourselves on all topics related to our great game, it has come to our attention that you occasionally feel the need to talk about the New England Patriots, our estranged colleague Bill Belichek and the validity of a possible 19-0 season for the aforementioned two entities. Please cease and desist this practice at once. We mean it. Right now. Don't write, say or unintelligibly mumble another word.

To date, your unrestrained questioning of the accomplishments of the team and their coach has led to unmitigated suffering on the part of us, our players, our fans and our lame, fuzzy mascots. As has been noted by the United Nations Council on Human Rights Abuses, the Patriots and their recent winning streak has caused misery only surpassed in the history of sports by that game the Incas used to play where they kicked a human head around in an attempt not to be the next team sacrificed to the angry gods at the next solar eclipse. And it's all your fault.

Your continued need to raise issues about the team seems only lead them to want to grind the rest of us into powder with which they will chalk their field. While Coach Shula has certainly earned the right to comment on the state of the game today, his words have only been a cause for grave concern on our behalf (in other words, they may well lead us to our graves). In response to the coach's criticism of the team, one Patriots linebacker has indicated that he will answer said aspersions by playing harder. We can only view this with alarm and abject fear. Our ticket sellers have begun reporting that the crowd at the sales line window looks more like medieval mob coming to cheer on an execution than a group of loyal fans gathering to cheer on their team.

So, for the love of God, stop. Please. We're begging you. We'll ship you all the liquor you need to drown the voices in your heads if you'll just agree to put down your pens and step away from your microphones. Failing that, we can't held responsible if five or six steroid crazed practice squad players were to find your home on Google maps and decide to help you with your next column or fake interview.

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